5 days ago
hidden That is an accurate description and sounds quite familiar…and my friends do say the right man will come when the times right but I’m surrounded by a lot of ( only a handful aren’t that are my friends) guys that want nothing to do with relationships or being a friend are just sex driven…honestly dating isn’t amazing to me anymore Bc of my ex’s I see no joy from that I dread dates now and relationships…a lot of guys talk to me flirt with me but I feel nothing towards them probably Bc I know what they actually want or I’m not interested in them like that…what more should I say to have the clear image?
Ok I figured that was the case but wanted to make sure before moving on to the next step. The rest of this long response may be hard to accept 😔🙏💚 You may find yourself feeling sad, confused, even angry at me or others. That’s all normal and ok. Know that what i say comes from a place of true compassion, and caring. That I know you’ll get through this and will be able to see the changes in your life. . . So I now have a pretty clear image as to what’s going on. And we’ll discuss each part. I agree with your friends… partially.. I agree that you can find the right man because I’m optimistic but i also know that given the current situation you won’t. . What your current dealing with is called codependent relationships. I have several great books I can recommend and resources to learn more about codependency and attachment theory. In short it basically boils down to the fact that you’re brain is currently wired to look for and notice people who display specific patterns of behavior and emotion. Unfortunately those types of people are deeply troubled and inflict lots of pain and suffering on you. . Think of it this way if I told you to look around the Room and make a mental note of everything that is and red look around for what’s red, what’s red, how many are red? make a list in your head, now that you have the list of everything you can see that is red….how many objects were blue? . Question: Did the blue objects simply not exist when you were looking around? Or did you not notice and count them because you’re brain was searching for red? . It’s the same as men, your brain is unconsciously looking for the same type of men you were previously with, and you’ve likely had many guys who are good, right in front of you, but your brain filtered then out was unable to see them. . So we need to adjust how your brain is filtering the signals you are getting. The reason it’s good that you feel like giving up on relationships is because unfortunately for most people to look and actually truthful consider alternative approaches or to be willing to change it takes massive stimulus and typically people need to have given up. Which is good because as your past relationships have shown you it definitely is not working, and we don’t want to continue that! . The tragedy is that most people don’t realize that what they actually gave up on was the strategy they used to approach love, and not love itself. But because most people don’t realize there are other strategies, and they dont have another one to switch to, they get stuck. . So one quick note on guys who flirt with you. Because it might be quite counterintuitive. Remember you now have to realize the harsh reality that your “picker” (conceptual radar device for picking men) is sort of broken, and misadjusted. And results in choices that aren’t the best. . I can understand how you may not feel anything towards them. However I would be skeptical as to the reasons why. Let’s take two examples. #1. If in fact you know they are only interested in sex (because they have clearly indicated it) and you’re not interested snd thus feel nothing towards them. . #2. Now I can’t say if this is the case for the people who have currently interacted with you but what I do know is that it is highly likely in the future when you begin to interact with someone who is a person that would treat you well, it probably won’t stir up your feelings much towards them. You may not even realize that they are flirting and intrested in you( think blue object example). . I realize a lot of this may be tough to take in or even believe. It takes a lot of courage and humility for you to look at this situation and even consider any of it. So I want to take a moment to recognize that and express how courageous I think it is. . It’s one of the reasons I know you’ll be successful at working on these aspects. This has probably created many more questions for you than answers but we’ll unpack it bit by bit and try not to overwhelm you too much 🙂😊💚🙏
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